I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Randomize
