You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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