I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We left the knife in your bed.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
