I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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