that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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