I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
