did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
