Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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