Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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