Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
