I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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