He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
