There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
