Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
