True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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