Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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