If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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