i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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