My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
