Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
