Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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