she looked like the bat from fern gully.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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