I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
