Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
