If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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