You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
