OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
