Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
