he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
