watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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