True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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