I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
