I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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