Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
