I think scott just propositioned me for sex
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Is Oprah even human
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
