tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
