I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
