Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I didn't shave. On purpose
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
