i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
