I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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