Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
