I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
