I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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