Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
