upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
