I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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