I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
