sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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