it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
