Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
