Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
God, you're like boner-b-gone
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
